little girl. grow up.

I’ve come to the realisation that I have an empty heart…. when I meet a guy, and start to feel an attraction, I rush into things too fast. Once they are over. Once I find there is nothing left to discover, nothing left to challenge me, I loose interest and find that I didnt actually feel anything… I was infatuated.. loving the chase, but never getting anything in the end.. well atleast anything to be please about…

I dont know how to over come this bad habit.. this torturous state of mind..

I dont want the chase. I want something real, something that lasts, something I can feel strongly for, commit to. Something that will still keep me wondering, something with new discoveries, new and old life. Something I can see the beauty in when no one else can. Something I can hold onto in my heart to feel that I don’t need to go looking for anything more.

I constantly feel lost, feel as if the world is moving and I’m playing each day in repeat, but with minor adjustments.
 

I know for a fact i would love to travel, maybe just back pack for a while.
I would love to live in Thailand and find peace. Find a strong path and sense of existence. 

Although, how will I survive….. What would I have to come back to with no further education after high school.. No large savings account.

I wouldn’t know where to begin, and I feel as if I were to try an accomplish all my studies and what-not, prior to going overseas and finding my appreciation for life, that I will drain myself further than I already have. Further into self destruction, with no motivation for anything. With more suclusion from the world..

I need to find something more for myself.. I dont know if im waiting for something, or if my life goals are still not yet hatched.. 

I just know I dont want to live with me the way I am….